In Which I Explore My Intimidating Nature and My Singleness

Last Friday night began innocently enough.  I played some video games, did some laundry, and then later in the evening, I headed over to a friend’s house for a bonfire.  A few beers,  s’mores, and good conversation were on the agenda.  It was a small gathering – three people of each gender were present.  

Eventually, the conversation turned toward dating, sex, 50 Shades of Grey, and eHarmony.  The conversation wove in and out as we, all of us recently defined as ‘emerging adults,’ wrestled with views from secular culture and those stalwart Christian expectations each of us had been raised with. 

What surprised me wasn’t cries against porn watching (or admitting viewing in the past).  It wasn’t the question if a woman reading 50 Shades of Grey was the same as a man viewing porn.  It wasn’t surprising that all six of us had or currently were using online dating sites.  What surprised me was something one of the gentlemen with us said in passing. 

“I was getting matched on eHarmony with women who are professors or going to grad school or already had their PhD’s.  And I just felt like I must not have anything in common with them.  I mean, I’m a tradesman.  What do I have in common with someone like that?”

Later, as I was thinking about this statement, I realized that the three women present there, myself included, had each earned her Master’s degree.  None of the men present had graduate degrees. 

The next Sunday, after church several of us went out to brunch.   Over fresh squeezed orange juice, vegetable filled frittatas, and breakfast potatoes, we dissected the conversation, with particular focus on my friend’s statement.  Each of us expressed disappointment.

I have a Masters of Divinity.  I worked very hard for three years to earn it.  I have every intention of seeking ordination (and am in the process of doing so).  I currently serve a church in a job that places emphasis on local neighbourhood outreach.   I occasionally preach, I am often involved in worship planning, and I often have difficult conversations with people struggling with addiction or with mental health issues or who are looking for a listening ear.

I know that I have an intimidating job.  I know that my aspirations are intimidating.  For a person of any gender, this is true.  But when you add to this the fact that I am female and single, it seems that suddenly, that intimidation factor multiplies.  

I should say, I’m quite confident in myself as person.  I’ve worked hard to develop the abilities and skills God has gifted to me – and will continue to do that work for as long as I can.  While a relationship – dating, marriage, etc. – would be amazing,  I don’t feel like I’m not complete as a person because I don’t have a man.  In fact, if anything, I quite love my independence.

I haven’t had much success in the relationship department.  I’ve had two significant relationships over my twenty-seven years.  Neither ended in marriage, although it was discussed both times.  Those relationships ended for the ‘normal’ reasons and I like to think as we went our separate ways, we were both confident in our decision not to stay together. 

But I absolutely hate to think that because I’ve got a job generally associated with men or because I’m confident in my gifts and abilities or because I’ve got an advanced degree that I’m somehow “undateable.” 

As I talked about these things with a male friend, he made the observation that perhaps this “feeling of inadequacy” is present in males because the society, for however much feminism has progressed, still views the man as the “head of the household” and the “breadwinner.”  When the man is confronted with a strong, smart, and independent woman who might make more than him, or who has more education than him, he almost immediately discredits her as a viable option because “that’s not the way it should be.” 

I’m not sure this is what my bonfire friend had in mind when he said he didn’t think he’d have anything to talk about with a well-educated woman because he wasn’t sure he’d have anything in common with her.  I really think he truly believes he wouldn’t have anything in common with her.

But that makes me feel like the men I’ve dated or who have rejected my profile on eHarmony do so because they think I’ll spend all day waxing poetic about “the dynamics of the hermeneutic circle/spiral” or that I’m a Super Serious Christian who can’t have any fun or whatever. 

And you know what, I could wax poetic all day about those things.  Sometimes I am a Super Serious Christian. I’m proud of the things I’ve accomplished thus far.  I’m excited to see what I can accomplish in the future.  I am a strong, smart, independent woman.   But that isn’t all that defines me.  I love graphic novels and video games and painting and biking and lattes and action movies and The Beatles and cooking and trying new things. 

I suppose all this is to say, I’m more than my degree.  I’m more than my job.  And I really I’m not really sure what to do with the fact that those two things are what seem to define me most.